


in time and forever

by favefangirl



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Happy Ending, M/M, Mild Angst, Mild descriptions of violence, OOC i know, dubious consent due to drunkeness, steve and bucky communicate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-04
Updated: 2019-08-04
Packaged: 2020-07-31 09:28:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,913
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20112883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/favefangirl/pseuds/favefangirl
Summary: widowbitesandhearingaids' prompt:once, when bucky steals Thor’s Asgardian happy juice and gets wasted, he drunkenly admits to Steve that nothing HYDRA did to him compared to the pain of watching him fall in love with Peggy.





	in time and forever

**Author's Note:**

> this is written in all lower case, so if you don't like that, don't read.
> 
> also steve has his IW hair, just without the beard.
> 
> **WARNING******  
it's tagged as dubcon through drunkenness. i'd like to explain that while both parties are enthusiastic in their consent, because one of them is intoxicated they cannot actually give proper consent. this issue is resolved as they both accept that while this lack of consent was bad, there is no lasting emotional or mental damage from this so it's not okay but is something they can both move on from. the consent issue is in relation to a kiss only. there is no sex explicitly stated, consensual or otherwise. 
> 
> the violence is tagged as there is one paragraph in which bucky describes vaguely what hydra did to him. i don't believe it is especially explicit but if you want to avoid it completely, when you reach the line, _but at least some things have stayed the same_ skip to the final sentence of the paragraph before _steves eyebrows shoot up and he inhales sharply_. i hope this makes sense. 
> 
> please do not read if you have concerns that any of this material may be triggering. please be careful with fic, y'all. don't hurt yourself.

_it's times like these you learn to live again_

_it's times like these you give and give again_

_it's times like these you learn to love again_

_it's times like these time and time again_

_\- times like these, the foo fighters_

* * *

bucky collapses out of the elevator into steve's quarters, closely followed by sam who's desperately trying to keep the clearly very drunk assassin somewhat upright. steve sighs, puts down his book, and goes over to help. bucky immediately lets steve take his full weight as he throws his arms around steve's shoulders, pressing his face into the crook of his neck, mumbling incoherently words steve can't for the life of him make out.

"he found thor's asgardian happy juice," sam explains. "i found him like this in the common room. i didn't know what else to do with him."

"thank's sam, i'll deal with him." steve replies with a smile, half leading-half carrying bucky onto his couch.

"good luck, man." sam laughs, shaking his head and taking the elevator back down to the common room.

steve leaves bucky humming an old song from the 40s, sprawled across his couch, and goes to get him a glass of water. he remembers when bucky used to get drunk before the war: he'd get clingy and stupidly honest and usually pass out dead asleep mid-sentence. before he used to tell steve about the boys he'd be going with on the sly, girls who he'd been chasing when he had no business in doing so. steve can only imagine what kind of dark and dangerous secrets he had to reveal now.

steve re-enters the living room and finds bucky staring at the picture of steve and peggy he keeps on his coffee table. it was taken not long before steve received the serum without either of them realising there was a camera in the room. it may have been for a newspaper, or for a government report, or a case file, steve doesn't remember. it was a gift from sharon, something she found in her aunt's belongings that she had thought steve would've wanted. it's one of steve's most treasured possessions.

but bucky is frowning down at it as though it's caused personal offence, a deep crease between his eyebrows. he strokes gently over steve's face with his flesh thumb, then his expression hardens when his eyes flick to peggy beaming at steve.

"here," steve says, handing him the water and taking the picture from him.

he looks at it and the memories of that day - that life - come flooding back to him. young and naive, desperate to fight for his country, not yet aware of just how willing he was to die for it. and then there was peggy. the first girl to ever give him a second glance, the first person he'd ever cared for that he felt he had any real chance with, all of which was swiftly swept away the moment he crashed into the ice. He places the picture back on the coffee table, not wanting to dive any further down the rabbit hole.

when he looks back at bucky, he's already staring back at him. there's a glaze over his eyes that clearly comes from the Asgardian Liquor, but beyond that bucky is looking at him the same way he always had. they're both men out of time, both having changed considerably from the two brooklyn-born punks causing trouble - or getting the other out of it - in back alleys and car parks, but at least some things have stayed the same.

"when hydra was turning me into the winter soldier, they didn't just pull my memory apart. they attacked everything."

"buck-" steve begins, not sure he's ready to hear this particular dark tale. 

"they tortured me," bucky continues, regardless. "they beat me to the point of death, they forced me to relive my worst memories over and over. everything about me they tore apart and put back together the way they needed it to be. it was months of constant pain." bucky pauses to swallow and lick his lips. for the first time he can't meet steve's eyes, instead looking at the glass of water in his hands. steve furrows his brows, unsure of where this is going. "but none of that compares to the agony of watching you fall in love with peggy."

steves eyebrows shoot up and he inhales sharply. there had been times back when they were living together, between the huddling for warmth in the dead of winter when the heat was shut off, and bucky's gentle hands everytime steve needed stitching up after a fight, that steve thought maybe. maybe bucky felt the same way. maybe it wasn't just friendship for him either. 

he'd never allowed himself to fully entertain the idea, however, he would only have been torturing himself with want and desire which could never come to fruition. bucky was handsome, smart, funny; he had his pick of all the girls, and many of the boys, too. steve had nothing at all to offer him. poor health, no money, truly atrocious self-preservation instincts. there was no way...

but bucky is looking at that picture again, at the version of steve captured in time before he was handed everything he could've wished for. captain america gave him purpose, strength beyond his wildest imagination, a chance to prove himself and do for his country no less than was his duty to do. he sometimes resents this photographed version of himself for having none of these things. 

bucky, though, he's looking at him the same way he looks at steve now. steve remembers a conversation in a bar from, oh, a million years ago and then some.  _ that little guy from brooklyn who was too dumb to run away from a fight - i'm following him. _

"buck-"

"i'd never seen you so happy as when you were with her." bucky says. he's back glaring at the picture now, at peggy. "flirting, laughing, promising her a dance. you'd never acted like that before. cock-sure and foolishly enamoured." bucky laughs but it's acrid. "it killed me."

he looks down at his hands, flexing the fingers of his metal arm, making it whirr softly. steve has seen bucky at his most broken, brainwashed and beaten, turned into a monster. but this is a whole different ball game. he's so forlorn, like he's  _ grieving _ . steve's chest constricts.

he remembers those stories bucky would tell him, slurring the words and leaning just this side of too heavy on steve's tiny frame. all those boys - blonde, blue eyes, beautiful - most of the girls, too. steve had been crushed hearing about it. he was always bucky's, there was no question, but bucky was leaving parts of himself all across the city and steve sometimes wondered how there was any of him left. shards of his soul left with every pretty stranger.

meeting peggy, well, it had been so instantaneous he'd nearly gotten whiplash. maybe it was all the bucky he saw in her. fierce, beautiful, strong. maybe that was why it was so easy to fall for her. even with bucky back and safe, he'd been unable to get her out of his mind. 

his heart - well, his heart was still with bucky at the bottom of a snowy mountain, but he loved her, too. 

"i'm sorry," steve says, earnest. "i didn't know."

bucky shakes his head and clenches his metal fist. "of course you didn't. you were a lovestruck idiot. you didn't know much of anything about anything." bucky sounds so bitter steve aches with it. "still don't."

steve swallows once, breathes, looks down at his hands on his knees. "when i fell into the ocean i had this picture of peggy with me." he still has it, sat on his bedside table. a few old photographs are all he has of her now. captured young and beautiful forever, the way she has always been in steve's head. "but i didn't need a picture of you." 

bucky huffs. "thanks."

steve cringes, almost a flinch. "no, listen. as far as i knew you were dead, body lost in the alps. i figured i'd be seeing you real soon anyway." steve scratches the back of his neck. "i didn't need a picture of you because i could see you every time i closed my goddamn eyes." he does so now, squeezing them shut. "i loved you. i lo- " he cuts himself off, exhaling a long breath out. "i could never fathom a reality where you felt the same. 

there's a pause of silence that stretches out into an eternity.

"when hydra did what they did," bucky says, and steve isn't sure he can stand to hear any more. "when they were wiping my mind, the last thing to go, the thing they had to try the hardest to get rid of was you. i kept coming back to that time when we were dumb teenagers truanting on brighton beach. you fell asleep with your head in my lap after an near miss with an asthma attack. i just ran my fingers through your hair and made sure nothing woke you up. i'd never been more in love with anything in my life."

steve remembers that day. remembers chasing bucky, shirtless and tan, up and down the beach , teasing each other about everything and nothing, scraping enough together to share an ice cream. he remembers waking up and nuzzling into bucky's stomach before realising what he was doing, feeling so safe and loved he never wanted to leave that moment. let infinity be the beach and the waves and the boy he loved cradling his head in his lap while the seagulls cried bloody murder in the bright blue sky.

"the forties were a long time ago." steve says.

he means that its okay. he means he's sorry he was so ignorant and that they wasted all those years pining. he means that he would've risked everything that a relationship with bucky - another man - would’ve entailed back then. he means peggy is gone now, too, and all steve has left is bucky. he means he understands that bucky doesn't feel the same way anymore, people change, the two of them more than most. he means i'm sorry we found other people when we were searching for each other. 

"not that long." bucky counters, placing the water on the table. he finally turns back to look at steve. "not for me."

steve knows what he means, but tentatively. he knows but he doesn't quite believe. saying goodbye to peggy was one of the hardest things steve had ever had to do, but nothing compared to the utter heartbreak of losing bucky. finding out bucky was still alive - the fact he was a master assassin who was trying to kill him, notwithstanding - was the first thing that made steve lose some of the all-consuming numbness he'd felt after coming out of the ice.

steve looks at his best friend, his soulmate in every way that matters, one of only two people in the world he has ever truly loved, still handsome, still smart, still funny, but a little more broken. still everything steve realises he has ever wanted in life, shattered pieces and all.

"me neither," he says, small and quiet and timid. 

bucky looks at him like he might cry, huffs out a tortured breath, grabs steve by the back of his neck with his flesh hand, and pulls him in until their lips meet. it's too rough and desperate, so steve gently cups bucky's jaw to slow him down, make him take his time. they have forever, as far as steve is concerned, they don't have to rush.

bucky's mouth is insistant and warm, his hand wandering up into the hair which steve has grown out recently. kissing bucky is every bit the life changing experience steve dreamed it would be, like his soul was finally complete, like coming up for air after holding your breath. like being reborn.

bucky pulls away, rests his forehead against steve’s, panting a little. steve wonders what his face looks like but can't bring himself to open his eyes lest he break this perfect spell. bucky shakes his head, a minute thing, then uses the hand in steve's hair to pull him in for a hug. steve wraps his arms around him, squeezing him tight into his body. he thinks he might be crying, thinks bucky might be too, but they just hold each other through it.

eventually, inevitably, bucky goes lax in steve's arms and he knows he's asleep. careful not to jostle him, steve helps lay bucky down onto the sofa, pulling the throw off its back and laying it gently across him. he can't resist pressing a tender kiss to his forehead before taking the forgotten glass of water into the kitchen and then readying himself for bed. he goes to sleep thinking of bucky, fingers pressed gently against his own lips as though trying (but failing) to recapture the magic of the feeling.

* * *

bucky doesn't stir until late in the morning. steve is in the kitchen, fresh from his morning workout and a shower. he's making breakfast, hoping he can convince bucky to stay. 

he had woken up at five a.m. that morning, habitual for a soldier, and his first thought was of the wave of guilt that had spread through him. he had taken advantage of bucky last night. he was drunk, he shouldn't have allowed him to say all those things he might not have wanted to sober.

he certainly shouldn't have kissed him.

the thought had plagued him while he'd gone for a run, while he'd showered, and even now as he scrambles eggs he cannot shake the regret. more so he worries about any regrets  _ bucky  _ may have. steve will be crushed if bucky doesn't want to pursue this, but he'll accept his decision because he loves him. seventy years later and he still loves him. steve thinks it may be the only inevitable thing in his life.

bucky comes stumbling into the room with bleary eyes and sleep mussed hair just as steve is plating up the food. there are creases on his face from where he'd slept pressed against the couch but he's still beautiful. 

"morning," steve greets trying to sound like everything is perfectly normal, although he worries his voice may come out a pitch too high. "breakfast? i made eggs."

it's what he would cook the most back when he and bucky lived together. a friendly woman in an apartment down the street kept chickens and so always gave steve eggs in exchange for steve gifting her drawings, or bucky doing odd-jobs around her house. they had eggs most meals of the day back then.

"please," bucky says in a voice hoarse from sleep. he sits down and adds, "thank you," as steve hands him a plate.

steve sits with his own food but the guilt and fear is tying his stomach into knots so he's not sure he can actually eat anything.

"about last night-" steve starts at the same time as bucky says "what i said-"

"sorry," steve mumbles. "you go."

bucky doesn't even argue, which steve can't tell is a good or bad thing. "what i said last night about..." he trails off, staring at the food on his plate. "i shouldn't have told you all that. not while i was drunk. it wasn't fair. i'm sorry if you felt pressured to say or do anything."

"i didn't," steve replies quickly. "there was no pressure. i'm sorry i didn't stop you from saying it. i should've taken better care of you while you were vulnerable."

bucky shrugs, still not meeting steve's eye. "maybe we're both in the wrong." he sucks his bottom lip between his teeth and bites down on it hard before finally looking up. "i meant it though. what i said. how i feel. kissing you. if you don't feel the same way-"

"i do," steve interrupts. "i do feel the same way. i spent so long trying to talk myself out of loving you but i couldn't do it, buck. i don't wanna lie anymore, not to myself and definitely not to you."

bucky nods. "but we're still different people than before. we've both seen and done things." he shakes his head, closes his eyes for a second, then looks back at steve fiercely. "i want this to work but we're just getting to know each other again."

steve nods. "we can take this slow." he laughs and looks down at his plate, shy. "my feelings for you aren't changing and i'm in no rush. as long as you need. as long as  _ we _ need." steve meets bucky's eyes but it's a challenge because his are so intense. "i have nothing but time for you, buck."

bucky breaks into a grin. he nods once and that's it decided. steve nods back. they tuck into breakfast and while a silence blankets the room it’s a comfortable one. there's so much left still to say but it can be whispered into the dark as they hold each other, confessions on a rainy afternoon as they quietly occupy the same space, long discussions over breakfasts and lunches and dinners, along strolls in the park and on trips down memory lane. steve means it: they have all the time in the world.

and they do.

**Author's Note:**

> semantic field of time, anyone?
> 
> thanks for reading!
> 
> i haven't posted in a while so even though this isn't perfectly polished, i just wanted _something_ to break my hiatus. writers block is a bitch.
> 
> comments and kudos basically fuel me and are much appreciated.
> 
> as always if you think i need to tag anything else or add/edit warnings lemme know.
> 
> i like friends so my tumblr is always open: [maddy-does](https://maddy-does.tumblr.com/). my Insta is @maddy.does, but i'm super inactive so good luck, lol.
> 
> **prompts?**  
i have writers block at the minute so in order to try and stimulate my writing juices (that is a weird sentence, i apologise) i’m opening myself up to prompts and requests for writing. if you're interested please message me on one of the social media listed above, or drop the prompt in the comments below, it is greatly appreciated! your prompt could just be a song (because then i get to discover new music, too, which is always fun!!) if you do send a prompt be prepared for me to take fifty years to fill it because school is so hard, but i promise i'll try!
> 
> thank you so much for reading, have an amazing existence.


End file.
